


December 1st *TRIGGERING* Part 1 ~ Remembering

by smoshyphantrash



Category: Smosh
Genre: Cutting, Death, M/M, Sad, Secret dating, Suicide, closeted dating, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 04:03:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7493106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's December 1st, a day that will haunt Anthony forever. He remembers that day and tries to feel better about it. The day his best friend and soulmate took his own life...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 2 part one shot because it was too long to be one in my opinion.
> 
> Part 1: Remembering  
> Part 2: Happy Anniversary

Today is the day of my nightmares... It's been 3 years today that I lost Ian. The sight of him losing life haunts me every night. I still remember the time. 12:27AM, December 1st... Just one day after his birthday. 

Ian had been depressed for a while. He sacrificed his happiness to hide us from the fans. We agreed it was for the better, but it wasn't one damn bit good for Ian. He broke. Everyday, coming home from work, he'd barely speak. It went from him talking about everything to eventually not eating, not talking, not even looking at me. He'd just come home and go to bed even at 6 in the evening. He used to stay up all night just to work on scripts for our videos, then he just stopped, saying he did it all at the office. 

On his birthday, he was acting really weird. He smiled so much but his eyes said otherwise. He walked away from his own celebration a lot. Once everyone left, that's when things got really bad. He kissed me, but it wasn't much. I made love to him, but he still didn't seem happy at all. We just got dressed again afterward. At 12:00 I heard the shower start. I looked up and he wasn't there in my arms. I went to the bathroom door and he'd locked it. "Ian?" I called out. He wouldn't answer me. "Ian!" I hit the door. 

"Yes?" He asked softly. Too softly. I started to speak before he spoke again. "I love you..." It sounded so sad.

"What are you doing? Come out of there..." I said scared. I tried to pick the lock. 

"I'm so sorry... I love you." He repeated. Realization hit me. I heard a boom. 

"Ian!" I cried. I started to ram the door. "Please no..." I finally got it open and he was just laying there, in a reddish water stream, slits all over his arms and legs. He was so pale. I turned off the shower and pulled him out, holding his arms. "No... Please no... Stay here with me. I'm calling 911." I tried to sit on the home button to activate Siri. He took the rest of his strength to stop me.

"Do you love me?" He asked weakly. I nodded, crying softly. "Look at me..." He said. I opened my eyes and looked at his once blue eyes. They were just grey and lifeless. "Let me go... I'm not going to be happy. I love you. But there's too much at stake." I shook my head. 

"Ian please... Just please let me call them. We can start fresh. The fans can know that I love you and that you love me and... And we can explain it and we can..." He stopped me.

"That'd be amazing... But you know we can't... It'd be wrong." His breathing became labored. He was working so hard to breathe. I looked down and saw his blood coming through my hands and still pressuring out through his legs. The bathroom looked like a murder scene. "Come here..." He exhaled. I looked at him and pulled him up. He gave me a passionate kiss, as passionate as he could. "You're not going to forget me are you?" He asked.

"Ian please... I love you. Don't leave me." I cried harder and harder as reality became clearer for me and blurrier for him. He began shaking.

"I wish it was different." He put his hands on mine. "Anthony?" He asked again. I sniffled and nodded. "A-Anthon-" He whispered before stopping. I shook my head.

"No... No! Ian!" I became hysterical. I took away my hands. There was no more blood coming out. "Ian!" I cried more. I began breathing heavily. "No!" I cried falling back into the wall. I covered my eyes crying hard. "Why?! Why couldn't you just tell them you fucking idiot?!" I cried until I felt nauseous. I called the police soon after I stopped crying. 

"It will look like a murder scene... He killed himself." I said. I fought off the tears again. I called the management of our apartment to open the door, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to move. 

"Sir?" The police called out.

"In here!" I called. They walked in and gasped. 

"Oh my God..." One cop said. I looked up to catch the eye of another cop. He locked eyes with me and turned away to call a morgue. He sounded as if he started to cry for me. Soon the hearse came for Ian. 

"Wait!" I said before letting them take Ian. I still hadn't closed his eyes. I looked at him and kissed him again. I took another look at his once blue, now grey eyes. I closed them, giving him one last kiss. "I love you so much Ian Andrew Hecox..." I looked up at them and they took his body away.

"Is there anyone we can call to stay with you?" A cop asked. I looked up at them.

"Courtney Miller..." I said, giving them her phone number. Once she showed up, they left. She took off her shoes and walked in, sitting on the counter that didn't have blood on it. 

"Let me know when you want to get up..." She said. We just sat in quiet. I was in so much shock and looked at her.

"I should've called..."


	2. Part 2 ~ Happy Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of December 1st

"I should've called..." I whispered once again. "Goddamn it why didn't I call?!" I yelled hitting the wall behind me. A mirror fell and broke right next to me. Courtney sighed. She had on her pajamas. She got down and sat next to me, not caring about the blood. 

"You panicked... And he probably didn't want you to... Did he?" She asked softly. I shook my head. The tears started coming again. "Shh... He's in a better place." She sighed. 

For the next week I didn't come into work. Once I did everyone cheered. Apparently they didn't know, but that brought out the anger I had toward myself. "Don't you fucking dare." I growled lowly. They seemed all confused. "Do you notice anything else?" I started to raise my voice. They looked at each other, Courtney looking down. "Goddamn it, Ian isn't here." I yelled. 

"Oh yeah, I need him to look over these video ideas." Ryan stepped forward. I looked at him and slapped him. Everyone froze. He pushed me.

"What the hell is your problem?!" He yelled. 

"Ian's fucking dead!" I yelled. Everyone gasped. "Ian's dead!" I said once again. I stopped and rubbed my head. 

"Anthony..." Courtney stepped to me. I didn't look at her. "I'll tell them..." I pushed past her and stood where everyone could see me.

"As you guys know... Ian and I were dating. Two amazing years... We decided not to tell the fans... That cost him and me his life. He put on a face for everyone here, but when he came home he wasn't even recognizable. I'd hear the front door close, Daisy bark, and the bedroom door close. Nothing afterward. He stopped eating, stopped talking... He stopped everything. When I went to bed, he'd turn his back... Some nights I heard his crying. I knew he was in pain yet I was still scared. There were some days... I caught him hurting himself. That's why he started wearing those long sleeved shirts and sweaters... On his birthday, he kept walking away from everyone, giving smiles ever so often. He was being weird... I didn't see any sign, until it was too late. When midnight hit, I heard the shower start, he wasn't in my arms. I went to the door but it was locked. I called his name but he didn't answer. When I did the second time he sounded so quiet, right before I spoke again, he told me he loved me. I tried to pick the lock and then I heard a thud. He'd fallen in the shower. I got in there a-and the water was running red. His shorts and his shirt were soaked in water and blood. He hit major veins... I held him... I went to call but he stopped me. He wanted me to let him go. His last word was my name. Courtney came after the police and the morgue took him away. The entire floor had his blood all over it. I just sat there. If I had just told everyone... I could've kept him. I could've had him here with me right now and I wouldn't be hurting so damn much. If I didn't hide him, he wouldn't have been so hurt... A drawing that was close to being erased, as if he never existed. If I told, those 21 million+ people that I loved him... Instead of trying to keep my completely straight image, I wouldn't have lost him." I finished. People stood shocked. Some crying. Some speechless. I took a breath to say my last thing.

"With that, I quit Smosh." I looked at everyone and walked out.

The next two weeks were set for Ian's wake and funeral and YouTube remembrance. I showed up to both, being the first to get there and the last to leave. Before I left the wake, I slipped on a ring I'd had for him. I dropped more tears. "I was going to marry you...." My heart hurt just looking at him, so peacefully... not at peace. My soul yearned for his human touch again... His loving warmth. His kiss... Things I'd never feel again. I looked at my arms, just as scarred, but they'd never compare to what still ravishes over Ian's body. "I love you... I miss you so much. I won't survive much longer without you Ian." I cried, slowly falling to my knees next to his coffin. The coffin that shouldn't have been there. In a funeral home I shouldn't have been in. I took one more look at Ian, leaning down to kiss his lips before I turned away, walking out, letting them know I was finished.

After the funeral, they convinced me to come back to work. I didn't work hard. No one let me. So I always went home early. Daisy sat at the door everyday at 6 thinking Ian would walk through that door. I found myself sitting with her some days. 

He'd even left a note... I read it daily, infuriated with myself:

Dear Reader,

I can not live this way anymore. I can not live a lie. I am bisexual. I am dating my best friend. I am miserable. There's nothing that will fix my heart. If we came out tomorrow, it wouldn't make me happy. It'd make me realize that we've been making a mistake.

Anthony Padilla, I love you truly. I will forever love you. But you lost Ian a long time ago. What was left was a shell of a man, one that loves you so much that he stayed hidden for you, for us. I just wish I'd realized how painful it was to not take you out in the world and just kiss you as if the world wasn't there. This is not your fault, don't ever in the rest of your life feel like it was. This has been an ongoing battle for me for a while. And I know we'll meet again. Until then I'll be watching over you. 

There's nothing left for me here. No point in breathing, or talking, or thinking. But I love you, Anthony Padilla. I'll be here forever in your heart, just not in body. ~Ian Andrew Hecox, November 24th~ 

Three years later I'm lonelier than ever. It's the anniversary of his death and I can't even stand it. I was done. I was tired. I was missing my other half. I grabbed one of his guns he'd go to the range with. I grabbed a bunch of vodka. I grabbed a razor. I looked at everything I had. "I'm not any good without you Ian..." I whispered, tears falling fast. I out everything in the car and started driving to the office. It's 11am on December 1st.

I walked in and had a normal day. I stopped regularly to add the slits into my skin. I called a meeting with everyone around 3:00 We all gathered in the office Smosh is Bored used to take place in sometimes. I looked at everyone. "Today, as we know... Is the day Ian took his life..." I looked down. "Did anyone see anything when were buried him?" 

"I noticed he had on a... Ring...." Courtney said. "Oh Anthony..." She whispered.

"We're supposed to be two years married now..." I showed my ring. "But no worries... I know I'll see him again." I chuckled. That's when I pulled out the gun.

Everyone erupted out in "Oh My God call 911!" "Anthony, don't!" "It's going to be okay." "Anthony, think about this."

"I have thought about it. I have thought about it for 1,095 fucking days. Three years..." I broke down in public for once. "He's supposed to be with me right now. Best friends forever! Lovers, fighters, survivors... He's supposed to be standing right by me right now..." I wiped the tears away. "And he will be soon." I cocked the gun back, putting it right next to my head. "Right now." The  last thing I heard was everyone yelling and screaming.

 

The white lights were beautiful. But what was even more beautiful was seeing Ian... No scars. No cuts. Nothing wrong with him. He even had on his ring... And he wore the smile I loved, the one where his dimples showed. Ian stood there in iridescent perfection. The man I fell in love with. The one that died for my love. The one that I died for his love. My husband. "I knew we'd always be together, Anthony..." He smiled softly. I couldn't help but smile. We were finally, publicly happy. I grabbed his hand and kissed him once again, feeling complete.


End file.
